just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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