Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
