I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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