guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
