So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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