I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
