I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
