oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
did i walk over a car last night?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
