everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
