I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
