I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
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I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.