if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.