i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
