I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?