ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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