i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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