I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sarcasm needs its own font
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
