You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
