Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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