Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
