The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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