So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
