my phone needs a breathalizer
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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