I wish my penis had an off switch
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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