420 ftw
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
