i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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