Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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