This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
