Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
