i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
