my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
