You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
