Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
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Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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