Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
