Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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