I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
