i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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