saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
