I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
