So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
