fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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