I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
