I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
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if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me