Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I told you penises don't tan
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle