Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you inspire me to be a worse person
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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