girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
