YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She's the barista slut.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
