my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need water and some morals
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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