I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
