Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
