Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
