the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
