I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
home. puking in laundry basket.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
