I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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