i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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