He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
