You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
