if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
