happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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